Entanglements, attachments and suffering.

I've been using the word "entanglement" to express something I've been exploring and discovering recently.

In chatting about this to others in my life, I realized that my use of the word has been... imprecise. I've likely been conflating it with the different, though related, concept of attachment.

So... I'm writing it all out here to think it out. 🤓

We are all connected. However, these connections by themselves don't appear to be entanglements. Connections exist. To my perception, connections are like threads between all things and beings in existence.

Entanglements, on the other hand, look to me more like... knots and tangles in and between threads, created when we intentionally or unintentionally affect the connections between us.

It's as if... connections remain "inert" until they are "affected upon", whereupon they "change state" into something... else.

Connections go from simply being to becoming something we can manipulate. We can suddenly do things (consciously or unconsciously) to connections like the threads they are, pushing or pulling, so they "entangle" in ways that transform the... nature? properties? effects? of the connection. The connection is no longer inert, and quite possibly, no longer neutral, for the entanglement becomes its own thing exerting its own influence upon the connection(s) it is born from.

This is where I think my understanding of entanglement starts to muddy with that of attachment.

I grew up in a Buddhist environment, though my family never strictly practiced. The impression I got is that in Buddhism, the belief is that the loftiest ideal is to avoid attachments altogether, because attachment causes suffering.

But while we can choose to be free of attachments, I realized... I'm not sure we can ever be free of entanglements.

Entanglement is a part of life. So long as we are involved with anything or anyone in some way, we are entangled.

I reflected upon what I posted here:

Can I choose my entanglements?

I suppose? I can choose which entanglements to give intention and attention to, and which to unslip my threads and withdraw investment from.

Do entanglements truly inadvertently cause suffering, though?

I think... realistically, for most of us, myself included, entanglements can be a common source of suffering.

Entanglements can confound, even block us, when we are unable to respond to them clearly. Just like playing a game of cat's cradle, if we do not see the positions of the threads and understand the moves we can make clearly, our cradle can collapse into a tangled mess.

Lack of clarity is a part of life. We will not always have all the information we need. We will not always know what to do, especially if we are encountering something for the first time. We cannot prevent confusion. We can only recognize it and respond to it accordingly, to the best of our ability. And when we don't, we may well suffer as we flounder about, tripping on threads, creating knots, trying to figure things out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Another analogy that popped to mind: Entanglements are like misunderstandings in communication. Misunderstandings will always happen. We cannot prevent them altogether. It is only a matter of whether they are a big mess, or a small hitch, and that largely rests on how we respond to the initial communication misstep. Do we thrash and make it worse? Do we pause, observe, and slip the right threads through?

Yet, here's the thing: Entanglements aren't a negative thing. I realize that my words above could give that impression.

Our entanglements can also be the life giving bonds between us. Bond: A connection between two surfaces or objects that have been joined together. Friendships are entanglements. Love is entanglement. Creativity is entanglement.

The "right" entanglements (right for us, that is) when chosen and engaged with well, can become a generative dance that is super transformative for all involved. Entangoments! 😂

And yes, when these entangoments end, we do suffer, but that's what I meant in my post above: Would I prefer not to suffer by not having these wonderful, human experiences? No! I would rather walk into these human experiences with my eyes and heart wide open, ready to suffer for them. That's what I meant by chosen entanglements: I choose to walk into these, despite the fact that they may well cause suffering.

Is that attachment? Well, when we accept suffering... Do we still suffer? 🤔

So, what about attachments?

Attachments, to my understanding, is grasping: Holding, clawing onto something that is not real. When we want something... that is not. We refuse to face reality and in doing so, cling onto our illusions.

If entanglements confound, attachments weigh us down, like an anchor tied to our legs, dragging us into the depths.

I was attached to my identity as a coach, even though it was the very thing that was killing me. I had to let it go to be free to move on. I was attached to it, because I was attached to the idea of presenting as successful, because I was attached to the idea that that proves my worth, because I was attached to the idea that without worth, I will not be allowed to live.

So many anchors tied to my legs. No wonder I was not moving. How does one walk weighed down like that?

The worst part is our attachments affect others around us, too. We can trap and weigh others down through our attachments, unless they are able to disentangle and detach from our mess when we are unwilling or unable to.

Of course, this is not about blame or shame. Many of my anchors I tied to myself, however I would not have done so if I had known any better. Many more of my anchors were handed down down to me, intergenerationally. I would not have accepted these if I had the choice, but as a child, I didn't.

But it remains: The anchors are there, and the only one who can remove them now is me.

And that's sort of a brief summary of where (a part of) my understanding ends at present.