“Stopping is not failure,” I say to myself.
I came to a reality reorienting realisation the other day.
Just a couple of weeks back, I caught myself looping into the same litany of failure obsession again, “I always stop. I always stop. Is that why I’m a failure? Is that a sign of what makes me fail?”
I was thinking about my YouTube channel and the videos that I had wanted to make just a month or two ago. I had gotten off to a great start. I had completely updated my output methodology once again to even better fit my ever deepening understanding of my multi-exceptional needs and everything was going so well. I was inspired. I was losing fear.
So why.did.I.stop? Again?
I agonised over it for a minute or two before I suddenly slipped or dropped into an intuitive state. I felt my eyes glaze over and my head tilt back slightly as all tension bled out of my body as it went limp in my chair.
And a vision emerged before my eyes. It’s hard to describe.
I saw looping circles, looping, looping in a line and in the way only intuitive knowing can emerge wordlessly into words, I saw-heard-felt the concept-knowing-words, “Creative cycle,” emerge the way misty fog emerges on a cold glass pane when you breathe upon it.
I watched as the beautifully graceful arcs of light swirled up and around over and over and gradually I noticed that the light of the arcs increased as they swirled up and dimmed into a gentle darkness as they dipped down. It was like watching breathing and then the image of the moon waxing and waning superimposed itself over the top and a second knowing emerged, clear and strong as daylight arcing over a mountaintop at dawn.
I create. I put forth. I learn. Then I withdraw within myself to digest and integrate the knowing.
And because I am who I am, I do this cycle really, really quickly, sometimes in a matter of weeks. I cycle fast. I learn fast. I evolve fast.
The new knowing crystallised into a verbal affirmation, “I don’t stop because I fail. I stop to honour my creative cycle of birth, death and rebirth. I stop to integrate the new learning, so I can rebirth myself with new knowing.”
“I stop to breathe.”
It hit me that I don’t create videos to create videos. Not really, no. I mean, yes and no. I do but what I’m really doing is observing myself create videos and seeing what I learn from the process.
It’s not the videos. It is what does this mean to me? What does it create for me?
It is the same with everything I do. Everything I do, I do as secondary objective to the primary objective of being, more precisely to observe the being.
I realised quite strongly that I am experiencing a manifestation of the concept of “individualised states of experience being how the unified can experience itself as all through contrast”.
I breathe out creation and in the next in breath, I absorb the new brought about by the new of my creation, and learn, grow and evolve. And in the evolution, I get more curious and then I breathe out my next creation to explore this new dimension of newness that I now experience as the result of my past creation.
But between breaths, there must be a stop, there must be a pause because the integration part of the cycle is a whole different process in itself. While creation works in motion (part of it anyway, it is a whole different process too!) integration is motionless.
It is stillness. The pause before the breath, in or out. And stillness often is partner with aloneness, oneness, solitariness. To be alone with the sound of one’s own integration process-experience because this is with the self, and not with other.
The withdraw happens because this is what integration requires. Pure self processing with only the signal of self to process, without the interruption or interference of signal from other.
Hence I withdraw. Hence I stop.
I also just realised through this revelation that all those times I chose to ignore or fight this process, all the times I judged it and criticised it and said, “No! We cannot stop! We are failing otherwise! We have appearances to keep up, promises to keep, accountability, reputations to build and upkeep! Blah blah blah…” I damaged my creative cycle in every single one of those instances and watched my fledgling creative babies die withering deaths, and then I would rage some more, wondering why, when I had “done the right thing” in pressing on, keeping the going going etc.
I never honoured my creative cycle because I never knew this was how my creative cycle looked or felt like. I was always taught that creativity came on the back of a big, big stick called discipline, with a capital D. And discipline doesn’t allow for stopping, in the worldview I was brought up in. No, a disciplined person never stops.
So, today, I look back at my recent videos with this new perspective, and realise, “Of course I stopped! I did those videos to explore, challenge and discover these new aspects of myself and in the creation of the videos, proved and disproved various hypotheses about myself, my perspectives and my experiences and in so doing, created lots of new data that I had to take time to ingest, digest and integrate into my system, if not completely rewrite whole sections of my matrix in order to update it with the new. Duh!!!“
And more importantly, I realise now that this is a very important part of my creative self—That I have such rapid creation and evolution cycles of such intensity that it appears almost senselessly abrupt to most in the outside world, but it 1000% valid and integral to who I am.
I stop to breathe… because the oxygen is sooo goood… hahaha. (lame…)