I heard that so clearly today it hurt. It is the fear of the pain of separation, or more specifically aloneness, that drives hurtful behavior.
If we are not separate, no one wins without everyone gaining, and no one loses without everyone learning. We all gain and learn together.
Which reminds me of intrinsic worth. If we have intrinsic worth, no one can take anything away from us. I mean, yeah, sure, we can still make mistakes but we don’t actually lose. It’s just an experience.
“Ego” the word always made me think of concepts of pride or “better than” hierarchical organisation of self against other. I never realised it was really about existential aloneness and the not knowing how to deal with that in a self-loving way.
Most of us tend to strike out in pain when in pain. It seems to be part and parcel of the human learning process. We can grow out of that unknowing, unthinking response though. It’s part of psychological adulthood.
If we interpret everything as “being left alone” or reinforcing the aloneness, little wonder we turn to self-serving, self-defensive behavior, hoarding and paranoia.
I feel the existential sorrow at that knowledge, that so many of us are languishing in pain and fear of aloneness and not knowing it. I, too, constantly feel its beck and call, the illusion of aloneness is so pervasive it is hard to ignore.
The illusion of aloneness is one of the things that can drive us into turning back just as we are about to broach the next frontier to deeper integrity because the deeper we go, the more we realise, those that venture this far are few, if not downright rare.
It can trigger fears of aloneness, of being left alone, of believing this is the price and the cost of being true to oneself. That is the test… like the Magic Mirror Gate in The Neverending Story. We would see ourselves reflected back as alone… and the test would be to walk on through, to challenge that logical assumption based on statistics alone i.e. that few do this, therefore I will be lonely in my pursuit.
I think it requires challenging our beliefs around the concept of company and what we really seek in our ideas of peers. How many is enough to slake the hunger and thirst for company? How many friends, peers etc. do we need? What is it that we really seek in others? With others?
Camaraderie. What is that? To us?
I had another somatic experiencing session today with Cindy Jacobs, my SE practitioner whom I deeply respect, and she affirmed for me so many things today about the path I have chosen at last to embrace and it made my Being sing and sob all at once. I knew all this already but the affirmation was so essential to my process.
I came home, fell asleep as I usually do after SE, which is always intense for me, and woke up in near tears and was wondering why. Why do I feel so horribly in grief when what I heard was nothing but good news? Alone. It is so easy now to turn around and say, “I can’t do this, I’ll be alone.”
I can tell, just from saying that, that it is an illusion standing before me. Hence the way forward is to ask myself, “What do I really want? What is fulfilment for me? What do I really seek?”
I seek unity with “self”—i.e. raw integrity, whatever that means.
Does that mean that I am committing myself to be alone to do this work? No, not at all. It just means I know that I am confronting an illusion that is tempting me back with an irrational fear. How do I know I will be alone? Do I know what lies ahead of me on the path? No, I don’t. So, how can I say I will be alone? Statistics? Poohpooh.
Hence, walk on, walk on. I am not alone. I am simply exploring the possibility of not aloneness from a different perspective, by not fearing aloneness or wanting company but being aware of both and walking with both alongside me as different aspects of the journey experience.