“I hate you!” I hear the voices scream.
Once upon a time, I would have thought myself delusional but today, I know better.
I have had too many verifications of similar phenomena happening with peers and most importantly, I have tried to deny and reject this as a valid possibility for too many years now. If it were truly wrong, I would have found something else that solved the conundrum by now because by golly, I have tried them all.
I will willing to deny and reject myself as an intuitive in order to appear rational, even to myself, at the cost of my self, my health and my mental health.
We can hear people scream, even if they themselves are not aware they are. We can hear their directed thoughts, feelings, emotions, intentions, even if they themselves cannot. Unawareness of a thing does not remove the thing from existence.
If you walk in your sleep and you cannot remember doing so, did you not walk in your sleep? Was it real then? Or not?
A fellow profoundly gifted peer just recently shared a quote by Krishnamurti—
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
And when a person endeavours to stand up and be apart from that profound sickness, to wake up and Be, the resistance is real—From within and without, on conscious and unconscious levels, both tangible and intangible.
“I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!” And interestingly, I noted, it was not me. It was not my voice. It wasn’t even one voice but several. Many in fact.
I sat and pondered, reflected. I brought before me a concept taught to me by Cindy Jacobs, my Somatic Experiencing practitioner, on how to respond to such psychic interferences—Sovereignty.
We are sovereign unto ourselves, which means that we are the power to choose what we allow into our experience, tangible or intangible. Should we not desire to experience something, we can create it so.
So, therefore, the number one thing to always remember in a situation like this is, “If I am sovereign, I am allowing these interferences in. Therefore, the question is why?” I am not a victim. I am unaware.
So I sat and pondered.
Why do I allow them in? It’s really that simple. Why do I allow them in?
The thoughts, feelings and emotions hurt. They literally hurt, cause psychological and physical pain. Why would I allow that? Why do I allow that to happen? Why do I choose to experience such debilitating discomfort, especially when it is not mine, nor my responsibility?
Do I feel like I deserve this?
Ahhh… how fascinating! Apparently… I do! I do feel like I deserve to feel this way, to absorb this discordance!
omg… because I still feel guilty for “being better”… which means… I still have that construct installed within me.
I pick up the discordant projections from those who perceive me as “better than” they are (in whatever way for whatever reason, all illusional) and I absorb that discordant projection because obviously there is something in me that still responds. Just like a tuning fork, which means that on a certain level, I still subscribe to the same ideological construct worldview as they do—That there are those who are “better than” oneself and that a person “better than” oneself diminishes or detracts one’s chances of one’s own happiness.
(I do not subscribe to “this side” of this worldview anymore but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still retain the “opposite side” of the same coin and hence feel “responsible” or “guilty” where I need not, hence the illogical sense of, “I deserve this, therefore I should be punished for being ‘better’, ‘more’ etc.”)
This is a scarcity worldview—That someone else’s happiness diminishes or detracts from one’s own happiness, or chance of.
It doesn’t even hold up to logical scrutiny, of course, and that’s because this is not even the monster itself. It is the masquerade of the real monster, which is, “I don’t want to be happy and I will not allow anyone else to be happy if I can’t be happy.”
The real monster says—
“I don’t want to be happy because it is hard work. It requires me to give up my safeties, however uncomfortable and unhappy they make me, because they are safe, they protect me from further hurt and harm.
“So I will not expose myself to additional hurt and harm by doing what it takes to be happy because consciously or unconsciously I know that the minute I stand up and be strong, powerful and happy, like whomever I am hating, I too will be hated upon by others, just like they are. So I will not do it. I will not.”
“But I will not think about it either. It is too painful. So I will hate on this person because it is easier to project my hatred for myself onto another person who is making themselves an obvious target by standing up.”
“I HATE YOU…”
I hear it and I empathise, truly, strongly, deeply. For once, I was there too. Once upon a time, I remember feeling myself get so angry, so hateful of anyone I knew appearing “successful” or “happy” (therein lies the joke hahaha… for appearances can be deceiving) and I would make myself sick with my hatred. I would feel doubly horrible, for being a sucky failure and being a toxic douchebag. It was rapidly obvious that this was useless and needlessly degenerative and uncomfortable. So I had to get right quick smart to the root of why I got so angry and why I felt I had to hate.
I hated because it was easier to hate someone else than it was to change myself.
It is always, always, easier to project.
So. I get it. I empathise.
But I ain’t picking this shit up no more. It ain’t mine, and it ain’t my responsibility to experience, much less process.
I no longer deserve to feel guilty for being more, being different, being whatever the fuck I desire or aspire to be, because it is no one’s business but mine.
I am… that I am… whatever that happens to be in the moment.
There is no better, just as there is no worse. There are only different choices, different colours, different walks. No up, no down—No hierarchy.
No “I am better”. That is outdated construct.
I am just doing mah thing. Whatever it is, for its own sake. Joy usually, curiosity mostly.
And you are too. We all are. Whatever we are doing, it is our thing. Let us all remember that and if we can remember that we can create the best that we can in each moment for ourselves, then that is the best thing we can do for anyone and everyone else because then there will be nothing but joy to emanate and share. Less toxicity, more fun… simply by standing and Being.