Resistance has many faces. Never assume, just because you have faced down resistance a thousand times, that that means you know it all, its every trick. You never will do. It is a wiley creature and it adapts to the situation as needed.
Resistance at its root is fear. Fear of anything and everything, whatever. It is the part of us that irrationally wants everything to stay the same, safe and unchanged. (That is a crude simplification and I know it.)
It can throw any number of emotional curveballs at us. It can tantrum, u-turn, evade, even feign a pityfest.
It can even revert to fear itself.
I was feeling resistance earlier today and feeling it strong. So I did what I always do, I opened my journal and dialogued it out.
“I don’t want to do this. I feel resentful to have to do this!”
So I asked it, “What is ‘this’?”
“Everything! I just want it to work!”
At this point, I am of course struggling not to judge this aspect of myself as a petulant child LOL but I choose to remain patient and said, “Well, okay, what if we seek some help and outsource parts of it?”
And it tantrumed on instead.
“I JUST WANT IT TO WORK DAMN IT! I don’t want to do anything else with it, I don’t even want to THINK about it anymore! FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF!!!”
Okay, I openly admit to calling myself a brat right then and there LOL! I literally felt myself give way to the wounded inner parent within and actually typed out, “What a brat. No, seriously, what a brat! I’ve worked with you long and hard to give you everything you requested, needed and wanted on our journey to…”
Then I stopped because suddenly I felt something change. Something shifted within me and and I felt a cold prickle of fear as I saw and felt a dark shadow move within and a glint of a razor sharp smile. I paused, and typed, “Who are you?”
“I am the evil aspect of your self that does not want you to succeed.”
The words appeared on screen with the hint of a gleefully malicious grin.
I interject in the telling of the story here to say that few of us ever really dare to face up to the dark, if not darkest, aspects of ourselves lurking within. There is an aspect, if not many aspects, of our self that truly desires nothing more than self-destruction, just as there is an aspect, if not just as many aspects, that truly aspires to the broadest and highest outcomes for all involved.
I am not saying there is a dualistic war here, sorry if my words appear to imply that, no. I merely only highlighted the two extreme ends because it makes things simpler to describe, but truly we are a multi-dimensional spectrum of possibilities of intentions, thoughts and feelings in any moment, in every moment.
There is no “right” or “wrong” in that sense but rather in the knowing of this, we can then truly weigh up every choice we ever make in every moment as potentially destructive or constructive to what we desire and/or aspire to experience and create in our reality and life.
So back to the story…
As soon as I hear and read those words appear across my screen, I understand. I reply, “Ahhh… okay… That’s fine then. You are evil. You do what you do. I do what I do.”
I understood in that moment that that “evil” aspect of my self sought to play into the other aspect of myself, the petulant child, to block me. I continued to type, “You see, I don’t have to like what I do to do it. That’s the part you are getting wrong. These are just tasks that need doing and that’s it. Simple. However, I don’t need to kill myself doing them either. You are appealing to the previously traumatised aspect of myself that was wounded by the psychological whipping I received in my life to rile it up in order to throw a spanner in the works for me because change is difficult and hard. So… you are not evil. You are an unrecognised aspect of self that is still lingering in the dark of unawareness. That is fine. I see you now and that’s fine. You are not in danger, and I am not in danger. We can work through this together.”
As I typed that, I felt the fear and pressure ease… a little. There is still a lot of fear there. But it has been brought into the light of awareness now, where it can be slowly embraced over time.
Resistance never goes away. If you are a being who aspires to continue to grow throughout life, then resistance will be your constant companion as you continue to challenge new barriers to growth and development.
It is hard. It throws up huge roadblocks in your way. I’m facing a few of my own right now. And I continue to attempt to unpack them as I go along, gently, compassionately and as patiently as I can muster!