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Depression can be a sign of hopelessness and helplessness. In which case, the first question one must ask oneself is, “What do I feel hopeless about? What do I feel helpless about?”

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Most people tell you to focus on what you want. A car. A house. A partner. Some people actually tell you to make lists, to go into extreme detail about what you want to attract or manifest in your life.

Never worked for me. Why? Because everything I thought I wanted was wrong for me, and so, on a deep unconscious level, I rejected everything I thought I wanted on a conscious level. I could not create what I thought I wanted because I literally was not allowing myself to on an unconscious level.

Now, I have heard of arguments to counteract that. I have read that if you are experiencing difficulty in manifesting something, you are blocked by limiting beliefs. Yes, that is very true. However, it is not always true.

If you are experiencing difficulty in manifesting something, there could be a whole host of reasons for it. Limiting beliefs is but one reason. You could be going against what is true for you and not know it on a conscious level. That was what happened to me.

I believed for donkey years that I wanted to be an internet entrepreneur. People who have followed my blog for the past couple of years will know my extremely unsuccessful attempts very well. I could never make it work and I tried everything. Threw everything I had at it and heaps of money on top of that. Wasted money. Wasted time. Wasted energy.

Luckily for me, I was able to finally say, after seven long years, that if it hasn’t worked by now, and I have tried everything, perhaps I am going the wrong way. Slow, eh? I know. So I dropped everything and left.

Now this was more difficult than it sounds. I had bought into the identity of internet entrepreneur for so long that it had become me. It was extremely uncomfortable to let it go because by this time, I had invested so much time and energy and belief into it that it was everything I was.

The only way to break a habit for me is to drop it completely at one shot and walk away. So I did. I spent five months in a tent driving from the south end to the north end of Australia. And for most of that trip, I did not blog. I did nothing. I didn’t even try to dismantle the physical trappings of my old identity online because simply being in contact with it would have reinforced the years-long thought patterns.

I had no identity, no purpose, no direction, no meaning. Nothing to work towards. Nothing to focus on but the vast tracts of wilderness out in the open outback of Australia. And there, my old identity dropped away from lack of use and focus. Stop focusing, stop reinforcing, stop creating. Simple.

Nor did I fall into trap number two: To rush into a new identity. I did not rush. I did not do. I did nothing.

I simply focused on the joy of the moment: the open road, the amazing sky, the wondrous landscape. In doing so, I focused on joy, and when I was truly happy with being nothing, my answers came. Ironic, always.

So take it from me. If you are having difficulties creating something that you want in your life, and you are working yourself to the bone, physically and personally, to try to overcome your “blocks”, stop and think again.

Are you sure that what you think you want is what’s best for you? Because your deep inner Self and Spirit knows. And your deepest highest self may be so powerful that it will block your every attempt to go off on the wrong path. Like mine did.

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Negative. The word alone means nothing. Says nothing. Regardless of what the dictionary tells you. “Negativity” is an adopted and assigned idea. It means whatever you assign it to mean.

What does it mean to be negative? Where are its defined boundaries?

The same goes for the word positive. You can assign any definition you please on the two.

Can a person be both negative and positive at the same time? The question alone should illustrate the functionlessness of the terms.

Constructive is a far better term to use, instead of “positive”. And destructive for “negative”. These have far better meaning and clarity than the ambiguity of “positive” and “negative”.

I define them thus:

  • To be constructive is to choose and focus on a perspective that creates what you desire.
  • To be destructive is to choose and focus on a perspective that creates what you do not desire.

You can choose to stop at any time to reflect on your present inner state:

  • Am I focusing on what I desire?
  • Or am I focusing on what I do not desire?

Perhaps you do not like the word desire. Let me replace it. Let’s rephrase those questions:

  • Am I focusing on what brings out in me all the emotions I desire to experience?
  • Or am I focusing on what brings out in me all the emotions I do not desire to experience?

I hope that makes it clearer for you. For it is very important that you get this.

Your focus is the one and only thing creating your reality for you, and what you focus on, consciously or unconsciously, is creating your reality, desired or undesired, this very moment.

It is far more pleasant and productive to be creating and existing in a constructive reality, than a destructive one.

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Your role as a clairvoyant-slash-intuitive is to understand yourself. It doesn’t matter that you think you can read into the minds of others, or see what becomes of them in their future.

If you have clairvoyancy, and you think your purpose is to see other peoples’ lives and “help” them with it, you are wrong.

No clairvoyant can see beyond their own biases and limitations. Not one. No clairvoyant ever sees the whole unadulterated “truth” because we are incapable of it. And most of us are incapable of seeing beyond our own filters, judgements and inadequacies.

I write from experience. Both ways, both as a seer and as a client.

I have seen many, many intuitives in my time, in my desperate quest for identity and purpose in years gone past, and 95% of them were pure bullshit. Duh. I guess it’s the same in any industry really but it is taken to a whole new level in the “new age”, “self help” and “personal development” “industry”.

Intuitive sense and vision is not a fixed, static thing. It cannot be controlled and it is so, so variable. Anything can affect an intuitive’s vision any day, no matter how they claim they “maintain their high vibration” or do meditation or go vegan or whatever. It does not matter.

An intuitive is an open channel. And open channels are subject to the tides of the universe, of what I call the Weave. It is the collective “ocean” of “vibes” out there, created and contributed to by every living and non-living thing out there. Locally and globally.

Intuitives are more sensitive to it than most, to varying degrees. Have you ever walked in strong currents of water? Think about how difficult it is to maintain your footing and balance in the strong swirls of current that tug at your feet. Have you ever fallen into a rip tide or rip current? There is no control.

If you are an intuitive, then, acknowledge it or not, you are subject to this tide in the universal “air waves”. The collective thoughts and emotions of anything and everything near to or far from you buffet you every day. And some days they can sweep you off your feet, whether or not you are aware of it.

If you are an intuitive, then your sole and only duty is to apply your gift on yourself. If you truly want to be a helper of humanity, do not make the same mistake as I did and think that you can go into {cough cough} “intuitive consultations” before the age of 30, 40 or even 50. Too young, too young.

I’m over 30 myself and still I don’t think I have enough life experience to play god with other peoples’ lives like that. And I have. And I am remorseful for it.

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Poverty…

Colin and I sat down to discuss the concept of “materialism” last night. We’ve lived five months out of a tent travelling on the road in the great outback of Australia. We discussed the definition and boundaries of the concept of “poverty”.

What is materialism?
What is poverty?

They are at two abject ends of the scale. One, to me, represents not having the options to a decent day-to-day life. The other represents consuming beyond one’s real needs.

Those are vague definitions and they have to stay vague, because there is no one bar to set for every person. We are all too different, with different backgrounds and upbringings which influence our personal limits for material comfort and discomfort.

I described myself as living in poverty for the past few months. It was, in hindsight, very tongue-in-cheek. I cannot compare my choices with those of people living in Uganda. No way in the world. Not even close. My idea of poverty is of course relative to the upbringing I have had.

I had a very cushy five-star type of upbringing. I was a spoilt brat and knew nothing about money except how to spend it. I had everything I needed. I threw money away on everything. When I was 16, I threw away $5,000 on a sailing boat. That was the kind of brat I was. Five-star.

Life is never simple to describe. No one is simple. I had a lot of issues complicating each other, all tangled up into one another and exacerbating everything. Identity issues, insecurity issues etc. Bad mix.

Then I met Colin and I understood the true meaning of poverty. I discovered that there are disability and aged pensioners in Australia in the 21st century who sometimes have to go without food for days just to pay their bills. That “pensioner discounts” sometimes means a paltry $5 off $30. Options? Next to none.

Sure they live. They survive. They exist. But all they can afford to do is to sit in their houses all day and all night because they have no money to even consider going to listen to a live band at a pub, or go to a festival every once in a while. Eating out is an impossible luxury. Basic food, electricity and rental bills can chew up more than 50% of their fortnightly allowance.

When we travelled over the past five months, we paid for fuel, camping and food. The only bill I had to pay for was my mobile. We were scraping by on the minimum, trying desperately to save every cent because the cost of rental was just too high.

The first thing people ask us then is, “Why don’t you find work?” These days, I don’t even bother to reply. Who understands or even cares about the day-to-day realities of autism? We are both on the autism spectrum. Nobody believes it is real, and if you think you detect just more than a hint of bitterness in that, you are right. Cruelty does close one’s heart and chews up hope. Why wouldn’t it?

I lived with chronic fatigue for seven years once, and no one believed me, not even my doctor. So I stopped going to see her. My own ex-partner admitted that he found it hard to believe that anyone could stay so tired for so long. His mother disregarded my disability. I hated it.

It is the same for people with depression, or severe anxiety disorder, or any of the invisible diseases out there.

What has this got to do with poverty? Everything.

Because poverty is not just a lack of a job. Poverty is the lack of options because of a world that insists that you have to work in a set way, to a set time, with a set format, whether or not you are cut out to.

Poverty is the lack of options because of a world that insists on running purely on money and money-based value instead of true genuine value and when everything is fixed to the dollar, everyone becomes selfish and suspicious.

Poverty, for us, was easier to bear with. It was easier to choose to live without and to suffer days when we wonder what we were going to do when our tent finally tore and broke because we could not afford to buy another, or when our car finally breaks down because we hadn’t the money to fix it or to service it. It was easier to just keep wearing the same old clothes over and over and over and over and over again until they became rags because every $5 that went towards food was better than going towards a new shirt. It was easier to just buy the same old food, potatoes and tinned vegetables and meat, pasta etc. and just keep cooking the same old meals over and over again because they were cheap.

Now what about materialism?

As I mentioned, we just bought a new-to-us five-year-old secondhand car. Yes, things have improved for us, obviously, and we are grateful for that. We are now able to afford servicing our old car, lovingly dubbed the TARDIS. We have bought new chairs for our little unit, and a new computer. Not just any computer. A brand new Mac mini.

Is this materialism?

It completely depends once again on the boundaries one sets.

Once upon a time, just not too long ago on this very blog, I was railing against money. I still do, to a certain degree. I’m very aware of the ills and evils of money. Yet, as I have mentioned many times before, I am very aware that in order to even exist in this world, one must learn to work with money. It is just another fact of life.

I personally own a Macbook Air that was bought in 2011, in a different time and place. It is not a cheap computer. It is a very good computer and one that I am proud to say still looks good as new and works just as well. I have taken very good care of it.

Is this materialism?

During our discussion, I asked myself, “What do I prioritise in my expenditure these days?” And I realise that it is the basics. However, if my computer were to break down, and I could afford it, I would go straight out and invest in another Macbook Air. Because I know it is a worthwhile investment that works well, supports my passion of writing and will last me years and years.

If I could not afford it, then I would not buy anything and just rely on what I have left. My phone. If that breaks down too, then I would use the library.

But I will not put myself in a position where I renounce everything and throw it away for an ill-thought out ideal, which I was close to doing at one point. Yeah, I’m like that. I am extreme. But I temper it with patience, with the will to wait and see what happens next after I think this way.

I think I have not fully answered for myself the question of materialism but I am pretty certain of my thoughts and feelings about poverty at this point. And I do not regret my writing of it in the past five months. It was true, to me.

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Do you know that I still experience depression? Really, I do! For all my discipline and practice of mysticism, I am still not free of my pet black dog. And I believe it may just be here to stay for life too.

It’s not a problem. Of course it still feels painful and is horrid and all but these days, all I do is sit still and calm and wait for it to pass. And it always passes. Sometimes in a day. Sometimes in a few days. But it always passes.

Depression is only a problem when you fight it. When you resist it.

I have written many times before in the past {in previous incarnations of this blog} that depression is my friend. I didn’t always feel this way, obviously.

All states occur as a reflection of self. Even physical afflictions, if you go by the theory that it is chemical or genetic imbalance that causes depression.

Physical is a reflection of the non-physical. Non-physical is ruled by unconscious state. Unconscious is merely what you have not seen yet. If you have not seen it, acknowledged it and understood it, you have not mastered it and therefore it is master over you. Unconsciousness, summed up in a sentence.

So is depression. Now every person has a different relationship with depression because every person has a subtly different reason for manifesting depression. {victimhood is a lie and an excuse and escapism. don’t worry, we are all guilty of it.}

Depression to me now is an indication of several things. Here is just a brief list {disclaimer: these are specific to me}:

  • Over-extension,
  • Lack of surrender,
  • Listening to programming instead of my inner truth, etc.

Which is brilliant! Because now whenever I feel even the slightest hint of depression creeping up in me, I listen really really closely. What is it saying to me this time?

Where have I gone off track?

You see? This is why depression, and all other “negative” emotions in fact are my best friends. Without them, I would stagnate and die. I would not have such blatant keys to understanding myself better, deeper.

Without the practice of self-awareness and focus on state transmutation toward the constructive, I would cripple and die too.

Every “negative” emotion is but a gateway to ever greater levels of self-understanding and self-mastery. If you are into that sort of thing.

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Can you teach mysticism? Can you learn mysticism? No.

You can read about it. You can memorise copious details about it. You can debate about it. But none of that will teach you anything unless you challenge yourself.

Mysticism is about breaking all defined boundaries within yourself. Illusions, all.
Mysticism is about seeking the state of the unknowable, the un-experiencable, whilst fully aware that you cannot attain it.

It is never attainment that matters. It is the discipline, no, the devotion.

Devotion to what? A religion? A creed? A doctrine? A set way of thinking, being, living? No, no, and no.

As soon as you think you know it, you have failed. Yet again. Your ego has arisen again. Laugh at it and pet it on the head and let it go. Again and again and again.

There is only one thing that can teach you mysticism. Life.
There is only one person that can teach you mysticism. You.

Are you ready to learn from your life?
Are you ready to learn from your self?

Or are you still willing to subvert your truth to the truth of others?

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We drove in our shiny new-to-us secondhand car today and felt distinctively uncomfortable. It is a five year old model, yet it is the newest model of car either of us had ever driven. We were distinctly relieved that there was still a car key, and not just a button. {haha luddites}

As we drove, I meditated on my discomfort. I felt extremely uncomfortable in what was supposed to be a good thing, a blessing. What was wrong with me?

The first reaction to arise as a result of this double discomfort was gratitude. “Ah! Here now is another opportunity to know myself!”

This is basic alchemy, or transmutation of states, from perceived “negativity” to constructiveness. There is no negative, only perceived negative. Negative only exists as an illusion that occurs when we do not yet understand an experience that we have created. We mistranslate the experience.

Therein lies the answer. A mistranslation can be easily corrected, but first you must detect the error. How so? Easily enough. Anytime you feel “negative” of course.

In my case, I realise that my discomfort was merely a growing pain. I had been used to living in material lack for the past five months, and I am comfortable now with the discomfort of it. Yet that is not in itself a good or a bad thing. It is just a state, and I am one to always explore states.

Hence now, I have created for myself an experience of material abundance and I am apparently chafing at the frequency change. I acknowledge the discomfort and I give thanks that I have created yet another opportunity to learn and grow and change. Thereafter, I am able to sit with the discomfort of abundance in relative ease and comfort.

It does not mean that the lesson is over and learnt. It just means that I have acknowledged its existence and I shall spend the following days or weeks or months, whatever is required, to fully assimilate this change.

I still do not fully understand this new change that I have manifested for myself but I’m not worried. All answers will come with more time and experience.

Transmutation of state is not a popped pill nor a change of mood, though it can feel like it. It is not the removal of suffering or discomfort, only the awareness that eventually leads to the understanding of the origin of a state.

That is what you aim for.
Not comfort, but illumination.
Mastery.

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End Of A Chapter, Start Of Another…

There are some things about life that blow the mind. Words fail. Gratitude explodes like a bomb in my chest.

I could write about the bare physicalities of events, like, today we bought and drove a new-to-us secondhand car that feels like a chariot for kings. There is air-conditioning! Cup holders! Large side mirrors! What joy! What absolute luxury! And for the most ridiculous price too!

Yet that is the barest of facts. That is the least of it. What led us here, with the car just being one of many “toppings” on the ice cream. The physical and material being the toppings. What then is the ice cream beneath?

That is the true joy, the true wonder, the true learning and mastery of a lifetime of what once was a chaotic jumble of seemingly mismatched clues.

Creation, my friend, creation. Of reality. The ultimate skill. The ultimate gift, the gift and knowing that renders all material immaterial.

Yet that in itself is not it. What is it? What renders a person skillful in the art of reality creation? What gives one person this power over one’s life, and not others?

I still do not know. I was not cognizant of the moment I learnt it, mastered it. It all happened over months, the past five months as a matter of fact.

It began with the stripping of the false “I”. The false god of the false “I”. We all worship this false god {and for many, they worship many others on top of it} Some call it the ego. I don’t care for names any more. A pig by any other name is still a pig.

The false “I” did not fall away on its own. It was discarded, not as a sin but as an experiment. “If I have lived as this for so long, and nothing has worked out, what will happen if I drop it all and try life without it?”

No expectation of a particular result. No goal in mind. No idea even of what may happen. Just do it. Risk it.

Afterwards, everything else just drops as a matter of course. Comforts. Ideas. People. Possessions. I left a trail of things behind me on my journey to the north. Piles of things. Some material, some immaterial, all baggage. All unnecessary for the ultimate I, the true I, to live, to blossom, to breathe.

Live like a beggar. Have no home. Have no identity. No purpose! No meaning! No hope! Ah, but can you live without hope and be in joy? Apparently so. I have done it.

To ask, “What DO I need? To what? To live? To survive? To be in joy? To be in what?” You see, these are all the questions you need ask yourself, on a daily basis, to be truly free. To be liberated of false man-made ideas—illusion.

Then when the false has fallen away {because you have chosen to drop them off, like fleas off your back} you can begin at last to fill. Fill with what?

Hopefully, the first thing you can fill yourself with is gratitude. Gratitude for the simplest of things, the littlest of things.

If I could wish anything for you, I wish that you could see a blade of grass glisten in the morning light, laden with diamonds of dew, and feel an explosion of joy within you beyond your control. A joy beyond control, beyond calling, beyond summoning, beyond consciousness. A joy that takes you, instead of a joy that you summon.

I wish upon you the miracle of bliss at all the simple things. Where the mere sight of all the simple things brings you shivers of delight.

We began there. With an appreciation of all the simple things. Without wishing it. Without practicing it through conscious thought. It just happens when you drop things. I believe now that joy is default, automatic. It is the prima materia of the universe.

Then the creation begins. Not because you crave things, or need-slash-want things desperately, greedily. Not even because you want suffering to go away. Once you have tasted of the ultimate joy, suffering just becomes another thing. Another event to observe. To experience. To go, “Oh, okay here we go again, sure thing,” about.

You create for the sheer delight of creation. You crave not what you create, though you understand that result itself is a delight as well. You get it? The act of creation is a joy, and the product of creation brings joy also.

That is the best state to be in. Then things happen. Even as you suffer, things can happen. Wheels behind wheels in the unseen parts of the universe turn to your calling.

Then you listen. You listen to the unseen. The universe speaks, it sings, it guides. I don’t care what you call it. Call it anything you wish. Or don’t call it anything. I don’t care if it is mono or poly, I don’t care. It is there, whatever it is. I care not for its name or nature.

Colin and I listened to the universe very carefully over the last month. There were a lot of things happening in the physical. A lot of suffering. We lacked. We had no way out. But still we appreciated every day, and every moment together. We made good moments and laughed much. We bore our hard times stoically together.

Through it all, the universe whispered, “The end is coming. Wait. Be patient. Do not rush. Do not do. Be still. Push not. Force not. Wait.”

And the rains were coming and we had nowhere to go. And our car’s registration was running out and we had no money to pay for it. And this. And that. And much, much more. Lack. Pain. Suffering. And all the while, “Wait… wait… wait.”

We reacted typically… “How long more? When? How? What?” We experienced frustration. Doubt. We shared them with one another and continued to obey. It was tense and it was hard but we obeyed.

And finally the rains broke over the drought. One by one, in rapid succession, we were given everything we never thought we could get. No planning. No details.

We created and we were given because we were free and in joy. Not joy as in ha-ha laughing all the time. Fuck, we were black as on some days. But joy is more than just happy-happy. Joy is a deep, abiding trust and gratitude. Like love.

I used to write about all this. It’s all the same things. The content of my blog hasn’t changed much but now I know that I used to write because I wanted to believe in what I wrote. I wrote to believe that what I have intuitively believed in all my life is real and does work.

I wrote and I wrote and I slaved over my writing but I’d never seen manifestation of this depth and I’d never created with such certainty till this journey.

So this is the culmination of my four month journey. This is the end. For now. I have finally reached the true end of this one chapter, and I have seen the next chapter begin.

I am so excited. And nervous. And yet full of faith and trust. All the material needs we have manifested for ourselves pale in comparison to the knowing of one’s default innate power and right to create as Creator and Experiencer of Reality.

The creator and the created. We are one.
The experiencer and the experience. We are one.
The dancer and the dance. We are one.

Know this and you are free.

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When Ursula appears in a dream, it is usually to stir things up.

“There are two kinds of people,” she once decreed to me emphatically.

“One kind, you can tell just by looking at them at what point they congealed into their final selves. It might be a very nice self, but you know you can expect no more surprises from it.

Whereas, the other kind keep moving, changing.

With these people, you can never say, ‘X stops here,’ or, ‘Now I know all there is to know about Y.’

That doesn’t mean they’re unstable. Ah, no, far from it.

They are fluid.

They keep moving forward and making new trysts with life, and the motion of it keeps them young.

In my opinion, they are the only people who are still alive.”

Ursula DeVane, The Finishing School by Gail Godwin

A person who is truly alive is never static, never stagnant, never the same.

I am alive. Therefore I am annoying. Because I am never the same.

I am never comfortable to be around, because I am always on the move, onto the next illuminating self-discovery, onto the next revelation of self-liberation, always transforming from within. Always evolving.

There is a distinct disadvantage of being alive. You lose your friends, your family, your comforts. For mostly, they are all undead. They are all unchanging, always the same, always static.

Always reliably fixed.

You can’t have both. To be alive is to be alone. Not always alone, but alone mostly.

I am not alone, for now. I have Colin and I am fortunate that he is like me. A snake. ;)

When we were packing up on our block of land two weeks ago, readying to move into our little apartment, I found a gorgeous three-metre long carpet snake skin in the roof of the dilapidated shack we’d called home. Freshly shed the night before, it was still soft and smooth and a marvel to behold. He or she had transformed and was now off somewhere in its new skin. Shiny, beautiful and new.

We took it back with us and now it hangs in our foyer and is the first thing that all visitors see when they approach the front door. Announcing, “This is a household of serpents.” Good feng shui, methinks. Heh.

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Creation is a slow, slow process, and contrary to what many people think, it is not you who is doing the majority of the work.

Creation happens. We play but two roles:

  • Instigator
  • Conduit

We start. And we end. But what happens in between?

It is what happens in between that does the majority of the creation we appreciate at the end stage. The in between stage is what we call Surrender. It is the hands-off stage. The stage we have nothing to do with, if we value what we are creating.

It’s like… baking a cake. You prepare the ingredients in the cake tin. You pop it into the oven. And then you leave it alone for the set amount of time.

Every cook knows, if you interfere with the baking process while the cake is rising, you ruin the cake.

At the end, you pull out the finished cake and cut it up and serve it. Get it?

Creation happens when you learn to leave well alone.

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Discomfort Of Life…

We moved into an apartment yesterday. It’s a sweet little unit. Perfect. Affordable. It will help us to tide out the worst of the wet season that is well and truly building up here in the north.

I didn’t have to dig a hole this morning. There was a flushing toilet ready and available. We went to Woolworths and realised that we could buy so many things that we couldn’t before over the past few months because we now have a fridge. We slept on a bed last night.

Yet we feel the oppression of human noise all around us. It is a small and quiet neighborhood compared to most, but we have been living in the bush for the past few months. There is a chainsaw going off somewhere nearby right now, as it did most of yesterday afternoon. The sounds of human industry is jarring to senses now accustomed to silence.

There are many reasons that led us to moving back into civilisation. All of them valid, and some more important and urgent than others.

It was a good journey, but as the wind whispered to me last week, “All chapters have to end, for the next to begin. Life goes on and on in cycles and you cannot remain in one state for long.”

Change. Always change. And always, I am but a humble and faithful devotee to It.

The walls and roof seem to close in on me. I am claustrophobic now, and feel confined. I know I will not stay here long. Sooner or later, the road will call to me again, and I will leave and travel as I am called to. But not now. Not yet.

Now I am in the transition phase from one chapter to the next. Always uncomfortable. Always uncertain. Yet so important, so essential, if one is to be truly alive.

Life is not for comfort. Comfort is the for the lazy. Comfort is overrated. I have learnt that once that is mastered, almost anything can be weathered. Suffering is no longer to be feared, but treated as a normal facet of life.

Does living true to oneself liberate oneself from suffering? Yes and no. Your every choice is a two-edged sword. It is the spoilt child who thinks that he or she can get everything “good”. For every up, there is a down. For every gain, there is a loss. This is a fact of life.

When you choose to live true to your Heart and Spirit, all that happens is you choose what you want to gain, and what you want to lose. And what you lose will cause suffering. But it will be your choice, and that in itself negates the suffering of suffering.

Suffering is a fact of life, and a state of mind. Both, at the same time.

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Your journal is your best friend. There is no other friend who can:

Listen to you as well
Be up all hours, no matter when you need it
Take anything you can dish out, good or bad
Never judge
Never leave

Your perfect mirror, it shows you everything you need to see, hear or know in any moment, provided you are willing to pour out your heart’s deepest, darkest, rawest. Your most fragile. Your highest hopes. Everything.

Write and you shall see yourself, in a way no other human being can give. No teacher, no counsellor, no therapist.

No bias.
Painfully honest.

The journal is to an person who practices self mastery and self awareness as an alms bowl is to a Buddhist monk.

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The proof of how strong a relationship is lies with the hard times. The harder the times, the greater the test. No big surprise there.

Hard times test the bond of a relationship for stress fractures. Every little thing that you thought you dismissed, or let go of, every little slight that you thought to ignore, flares back up to life during the toughest times because those were not acts of a genuine bond. They were lesser acts, of fear, of laziness, of lack of integrity.

In a genuine relationship, the hard times bring you stronger together. They make you cherish each other more, appreciate each other more, support each other more. Each strives to pull more weight so that they can support the whole.

You can’t force a genuine relationship. You can’t fake a genuine bond. You can try, but the hard times will shake your fakery to pieces.

How do you know? The blaming will start. Overt or covert. Passive or direct aggression begins. Snapping. Pushing of responsibilities. Disparaging.

Patience naturally wears thin during hard times but in a genuine relationship, both parties understand that fact and both try to give more without needing to be asked. Problems are discussed because there is a greater need for communication. Space is given because it is needed.

Less talk, less chatter, less hounding. Silence prevails, a silence that communicates more and supports more than any words ever could.

All this is done without being taught, without being programmed, without being told.

Because a genuine relationship is in the moment. It is alive. Not scripted. No trained. Not learnt from a book.

And when it happens, you can marvel upon it as a miracle. A co-created miracle. The gratitude blows your being away.

The hard times are still hard. You still suffer from them harshly. Life can still be a bitch.
But with genuine wordless support, you can survive and weather the storm and emerge stronger, happier, freer.