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I’m creating a little technology blog for myself at long last, not so much because I want to but because I need to.

I finally realized, after all these years, that I have all this stuff in my head that has never been let out. Information, ideas, concepts, thoughts on things & things.

And for years, I suffered from such debilitating low self-esteem that I never gave myself any chance to express any of these things at all.

It’s like I had this huge infection in my mind called self-hatred.

It was clogging up all my outlets for self-expression, to the point my mind became one big swollen & constipated abscess. It was choking & stifling. No wonder there were days when I felt like I had barely any brain power at all. It was like my brain was totally stuck & couldn’t move. It was stuck alright, stuck with goop!

Thoughts & ideas are energy.

Like any form of energy, thoughts & ideas need to move & flow for good emotional, mental & spiritual health.

Energy is a form of matter & like any matter, it can accumulate, clog things up, get stuck & cause stagnation.

Like water in a river needs to continuously flow into the ocean to allow fresh water to flow in its bed, so do thoughts & ideas need to continuous flow from the human mind into the physical realm in order to ‘make space‘ in the mind.

Writing something down, I often feel that I am literally ‘making room’ inside my own mind so that new thoughts can arise – or so that my mind can rest.
— Stephanie Dowrick

Stephanie Dowrick described this process very beautifully in her book Creative Journal Writing.

I recently realized how important this ‘space‘ is to my emotional, mental & spiritual health.

It allows new thoughts & ideas to flow in from the super consciousness. It not only allows for the formation of new ideas but also the growth & development of current ideas by allowing new dimensions of perception to emerge.

This process is very different from keeping those same thoughts in your mind & turning them over & over by worrying, ruminating or daydreaming. Ruminating, our thoughts often seem to get less varied & more restricting.
— Stephanie Dowrick

This is an excellent point that reminds me that this ‘emptying out’ of the mind works to help both the creation process as well as the problem solving process.

We can so easily feel trapped by those thoughts, even as we are struggling to get beyond them.
— Stephanie Dowrick

This mental ‘space’ allows us to form new thoughts on old issues.

It’s almost as if we have this huge amount of mental clutter in our minds & that the only way to organize it all is to get it out into the physical realm somehow.

Left in our heads, these trapped thoughts & ideas form useless & unproductive masses of tangled energy that can hinder our productivity in all other areas of our life.

Once out, however, these are the thoughts & ideas that have changed the course of human history, resulted in the creation of magnificent monuments & works of art, music & literature & contributed to technological advancement. Amazing, isn’t it?

Trapped, the energy that comprises these blocked thoughts & ideas chokes not only the individual mind but ultimately inhibits the ultimate expression & progression of human creativity & ingenuity.

Yet, it is not for such lofty visions that I embark on the externalizing & organization of my own thoughts & ideas right now. It is not that I want to get stuff out in the hopes that I will be contributing to society or the world at large. It’s really not that magnanimous. It is really for a very selfish reason.

I’m doing it because, literally, I have to. I have no choice.

I have discovered that, without getting all my clogged thoughts & ideas from over a decade out, I am literally incapable of being my best self, my highest self.

This infection & abscess of the mind inhibits me, holds me back, renders me incapable of smooth & easy spiritual growth & development as well as true & authentic soul expression. Stagnation created this & it in turn creates more stagnation.

So now I am on a mission to lance this festering blister.

The best & only cure for it is the very thing it was holding me back from to begin with: free & easy expression of soul & self in full & complete joy & harmony, relaxed in the flow. The creation of my little technology blog is but one part & step in this, my healing process.

Yet in the process of fulfilling this very selfish need, the funny thing is that I will inevitably end up bringing forth many works of creation in praise of the universe in the process.

What a marvelous paradox it is.

What about yourself? Have you ever felt similarly stifled by unexpressed parts of yourself? Do share in the comments!

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I’m having a major relapse within a relapse.

In typical chronic fatigue fashion, a week of light walking with a day or two of rest in between has resulted in a sudden attack of post exertional malaise. My head & limbs are leaden & muscles all over my body are screaming in pain.

I’m not deterred, however. I’ve come to understand that this is just my body’s way of saying, “Not yet! Not so fast!” And I’m okay with that.

Chronic fatigue has taught me that. To listen to my body. To really, really listen & not simply rely on my brain & logic to make decisions as to what’s best for it & me.

Take my recent lesson with physical activity.

I have been taking very slow walks of no more than 30 minutes twice a day for the past week. Everything was going splendidly. I was finishing off every walk in high spirits & feeling really good & rejuvenated.

Sunday came & we decided that we would go to the Esplanade instead for a change of scenery from our neighborhood of Machans Beach. We also decided to do one full hour of walking this time, instead of splitting it up into two. I was enthusiastic about the change because I thought it would spice things up for my body a little.

It was glorious. I felt really, really good afterwards & was looking forward to my next one hour walk already.

Still, I decided to be a good girl & take the next day off, even though I didn’t feel like I needed it. I told David that I was convinced that all this walking was doing my recent relapse a whole lot of good & that I felt like I was pulling back up already.

Yesterday came round & I still decided to take it easy. I took a very slow one hour amble instead of walking at my usual pace. Felt good still after that & went to bed that night feeling normal. Well, as normal as one gets during a chronic fatigue relapse anyway.

I opened my eyes this morning & I could have cried out loud in agony. My head, torso & limbs all felt like they had massive chains of wrought iron pinning them to the mattress. I could barely breathe & just the act of opening my eyes to the daylight made me nauseous. It was a massive relapse within a relapse.

What happened?

As I struggled to keep my body upright in my chair this morning, struggling to down my mandatory morning litre of water even as I felt like throwing every last sip up, I thought hard about what I could have possibly done wrong.

I did take it slow, didn’t I?
I did remember to take days off to rest, didn’t I?
I did drink adequate amounts of water, didn’t I?
And so on & so forth.

Technically, logically, I did do everything right. However, I didn’t notice one thing.

I remember feeling this extremely vague & almost imperceptible sense of tension inside me yesterday morning. Not a physical sensation. More… an intuitive sensation, a gut feeling.

It’s hard to describe exactly but if I had to put it into words, I’d say that it felt like it was this rubber band inside me that was stretching & that it was getting close to snapping point. Or like there was this thermometer gauge within me that had mercury rising over the past couple of days & was close to hitting the red danger zone.

Yet, it was so faint, so imperceptibly background that I just didn’t know what it was at all. So I dismissed it & put it down to something transiently odd in my mood or something.

Now I know.

Thinking harder, I can now recall very similar vague sensations of tension leading up to massive relapses in the past. Each time, I noticed the warning signs but did not recognize them for what they were. A bit hard to notice something so faint when one’s entire being is consumed by severe depression & anguish. There were bigger storms that held the bulk of my attention thrall then.

These days, however, I am in a much better emotional, mental & spiritual place. I have a lot more peace within me & so, with less turbulence to distract me, I am able to piece together the signs & understand them.

It can seem almost unfair. After all, it’s barely a fair warning. A fart would have garnered more attention.

I can look at this whole thing & go:
Oh fuck. What now. Why can’t it just leave me alone? Give me some space. Am I not already trying my bloody best? Doing the right things? What more does it want?

However, I know that road & it goes nowhere but down & I ain’t interested in going back there no more.

Yes, I did do everything right, the way logic & medical guidance have suggested.
Yes, in that case, I ought not to have had a relapse because if I was doing everything right, everything should be fine, right?

Well, no, that’s not even the point.

It all boils down to:
Do I want to listen to my logic & bemoan every time I relapse?
Or do I want to learn once & for all to listen to & obey my body’s calls for what it needs?

Medical science often discounts intuitive urges. They can’t be measured. They can’t be quantified. They can’t even be proven. Listening to your body seems poor medical advice. It doesn’t have numbers on it. It can be vague.

Yet, it has been my experience this past five years that my body truly does know best.

It doesn’t communicate in words. It doesn’t even have a loud voice.

Often, it manages but mere feelings, sensations. If I’m lucky, maybe images. It is soft, gentle. It does not push or bully to get its way. Not initially anyway. Once it collapses & leaves me no choice but to do its bidding, I do feel sometimes that it can be the worse autocratic control freak bully of all!

But it is always right. It has always been right.

It is always & only those times I disregard its meek voice that I pay the price for it later with its howling.

Like my recent realization that I am also gluten intolerant.

No one told me I was gluten intolerant. In fact, I barely thought of gluten intolerance & didn’t know anything much about the condition at all.

However about nine months ago, I received the distinct sensation in my stomach that it wanted me to go gluten free. It was mild at first, then it got stronger & louder. I would find myself standing in front of the health food section in the supermarket, staring at the gluten free products on the shelf.

However, it just seemed so inconvenient & completely illogical at the time. Making that change for no good reason other than a ‘feeling’. So, though I made a couple of passing comments about it to David, in the end I decided to just put it out of my mind completely.

Six weeks ago, through trial & error, I made the definite connection between my many years of chronic irritable bowel syndrome with wheat & gluten consumption.

I was aghast. It was made worse because my reaction to wheat & gluten had become substantially worse all of a sudden over the past three months. The symptoms made me near unable to leave the toilet for large parts of the day, something I could have avoided if I had only listened to my body nine months prior.

My body knew. My brain & logic didn’t believe its only form of communication, through feelings, sensations & intuition. But it was right all along.

Listen to your body. It may take time, practice & patience.

Remember, your body is the physical extension, or counterpart, of your supreme Highest Self.

It is not merely a vehicle that carries You through this life. Not just a senseless bag of cells & hormones, not just a meat suit.

It IS You. Another part of You. And it speaks too.

Listen.

Have you had similar experiences where your body knew intuitively what it needed? Do share in the comments!

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A lack of clarity is not ‘stuck’.
In fact, ‘stuck’ is not stuck.
‘Stuck’ is a good sign that change is happening. Growth. Evolution.

A lack of clarity can happen as a result of new growth. You’ve entered new territory that you’ve never ventured into before & the foreignness of it all is taking a bit of time to sink in.

Or.

A lack of clarity can happen when you lose an old, limiting part of yourself that used to hinder you. You outgrew it. Now it’s gone & its absence is a foreign emptiness within.

Change. Turbulence. Discomforting. I felt all that this week.

Lost. Confused. In a mess. Thoughts & emotions all over the place. Distressed. Stressed. Upset. Moody. Anxious. The works.

Add to all that, an attack of chronic fatigue & an unsettled tummy as a result of my gluten intolerance. Must have eaten something that had gluten in it but wasn’t labeled. Bah.

I knew better than to get all upset over all that upset though. Obviously, I could barely get anything done. I was pleased to just keep on top of the housework. But I could barely move at times & my brain barely functioned at others. Blogging was a near impossibility.

Instead, I took the opportunity to take stock of all the internal progress I’d made so far & to analyze the events of the past two weeks to see what had triggered the bout of ‘stuck’.

It had been an eventful two weeks. So much has happened that I can barely find the words to articulate it all. In brief…

I managed to overcome my inner critic & blog with complete honesty for the first time in my life. It’s still a little stiff & clumsy but I love it. At least I’m able to look back at my tiny collection of 12 posts with satisfaction & pride, instead of cringing & fearing. That is a freedom I cherish.

I’ve been refining the process by which I manage my chronic fatigue relapses on all levels & with each passing week, I’m getting better & better at it.

I’m coming ever closer to defining what my niche is.

So much has changed. Around me & within me. So fast.

It is all good change but at the same time it was still distressing. And sometimes, I think, emotionally & mentally, I literally cannot keep up instantly with the speed at which change occurs. That’s when ‘stuck’ & a loss of clarity result in me.

Yet it’s alright. It’s all part of the process & best of all, it is transient.

I sit with it, sit in it, accept it & most importantly of all, thank it, love it, cherish it & wait in joyous anticipation for the clarity & renewed sense of direction & drive that I know is an inevitable arrival in the near future.

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This is Part 5 of a 5-part series entitled Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply. If you haven’t read the first 4 Parts yet, I suggest you hop over & do so right now!

Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 1 of 5
Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 2 of 5
Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 3 of 5
Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 4 of 5

Disclaimer: Though released as a series, it really is just one mega-long post cut up into chunks for ease of reading & digesting. That means that each of the individual parts on their own probably wouldn’t make complete sense without the context of the rest. Please bear that in mind when commenting. Thanks!

On Awareness…

So, in a world containing only folk who are fully Aware of all their Choices & Responsibilities, who understand their own boundary limits, what relationships are for in the higher scheme of things & remember to keep their minds focused on their own higher Purpose in life, this is what would happen. At least, in my highest vision.

As per usual, relationships, & I’m including all forms of relationships now, will begin & relationships will end. Regardless of the circumstance or the time frame, people will recognize the end of the association as such with no judgement because they do not perceive any loss as a result. They will kiss each other farewell with gratitude for the time & experience shared together & wish each other luck for the rest of their life journey & part ways.

Maybe to meet again. Maybe not. It will not matter.

Life in Awareness means having a vision greater than the microcosm of individual events. It means being able to see & trust in the greater scheme of things. It means having Faith.

Some people speak of unconditional love & how ‘enlightened’ people can & should love all, never judge anyone & therefore, by extension, have no need for boundaries & ought to be able to welcome all folk with open arms into their hearts, lives, maybe houses, toilets, beds…

Beautiful, maybe. Idealistic, definitely. Realistic? No. Not unless you were a Highly Evolved Non-Physical Being.

We are in finite human bodies (at least for the present *shrugs*) with finite amounts of physical resources. Even the healthiest & strongest of us will falter in the wrong conditions. This is being human.

To speak of the limitlessness & infinity of the Universe is all fine & cool as theoretical banter but the real challenge is to remember Here & Now. What is happening Here & Now? Here & Now, we have finite resources, have a finite amount of time on this beautiful planet & have too much we want to do, to see, to accomplish.

Finite is not a bad thing, not a scary thing. It keeps us on our toes, on the leading edge. It reminds us that the only constant is Change & that we should embrace that beauty.

Awareness. It means to See Reality. Not a dream. Not a fantasy.
Awareness. Here & Now.

…epilogue

True enlightened folk will tell you the only constant is Change. The Great Wheel of Change.
And that Great Wheel runs through our relationships as well.
Change is constant. Which means birth & death of relationships are constants.

The only factors we control are Choice & Responsibility & Awareness.

Choice to choose Responsibility so that we can act in Awareness in order to better ride that permanent learning curve called Relationships with grace & dignity.

This is Part 5 of a 5-part series entitled Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply.The rest of the series can be found here.

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This is Part 4 of a 5-part series entitled Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply. If you haven’t read first 3 Parts yet, I suggest you hop over & do so right now!

Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 1 of 5
Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 2 of 5
Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 3 of 5

Disclaimer: Though released as a series, it really is just one mega-long post cut up into chunks for ease of reading & digesting. That means that each of the individual parts on their own probably wouldn’t make complete sense without the context of the rest. Please bear that in mind when commenting. Thanks!

On Responsibility…

In making choices about who we ‘keep’ & who we ‘dispose’ in relationships, are we heartless? Selfish?

Do we hurt others with our choices?
Do we harm them?

(Disclaimer: For this post only: Hurt & harm = psychological & emotional)

The cold, hard fact is we do not.

The only hurt & harm we ever inflict is upon ourselves.
It is impossible to hurt & harm others.

For a person to experience hurt & harm, he or she must be of a specific mindset in order to frame an experience into hurt & harm, thereby hurting & harming themselves.

We come back to the Power of Choice, but now we throw Responsibility into the mix as well.

Hurt & harm are individual Choices of Perspective, the Responsibility for which lie only with oneself. Always.

Hence, the word ‘disposable’ no longer applies.

There is the implication that the party being ‘disposed’ of is negatively impacted. In reality, if there really is any ill-intent, the only party to ever get ‘harmed’ is the executor of ill-intent alone.

I’m not talking about karma, by the way. Some call it Cause & Effect, but that phrase has been too wrapped up with ‘karma’ & all its misconceptions, misunderstandings, twisted meanings. All that jazz.

This is Responsibility.

One is & can only be Responsible for oneself, as one’s Reality is & can only be controlled & manipulated by oneself.

Hence ill-will towards others only ever ends up affecting your own sphere assuredly, whereas others have the power to exercise Choice as to whether or not to allow your ill-will into their Reality. See?

So, back to what I was saying before on temporary relationships, in particular short ones. Those we choose to terminate. Those we choose to remove from our sphere of Reality for whatsoever reasons we deem valid.

The reasons may be completely valid, or complete bogus & hogwash & just a load of selfish self-justifying crap but in the end, each person has to take Responsibility for his or her own sphere of Reality & his or her own Choices of Actions or reactions.

There are no losers save those who choose to invite that concept into their own sphere of Reality. There are no losers save those who create the illusion of having lost out.

Notice that I do not bother defining what behavior constitutes treating relationships as ‘disposable’. I see it as irrelevant. Ultimately, ill-will affects only self & on some level, we always, always know when we are being jackasses. So, a definition is unnecessary.

This is Part 4 of a 5-part series entitled Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply.The rest of the series can be found here.

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What can I say.

Yesterday marked one full year to the day I attained Freedom.

Freedom from emotional abuse.
Freedom from mental abuse.
Freedom from verbal abuse.

Freedom to Breathe.
Freedom to Be. At long last. 29 years is a long time.

Well, 29 years isn’t too accurate… 29 minus the ‘age-when-I-start-to-need-to-live-up-to-expectations’ is more the truth. But I’m splitting hairs here…

As a result of my Freedom, I was able to achieve so much within myself these past 12 months.

Forgiveness.
Letting go.
Clearing.
Seeing.

At long last, I can say:
I am thinking for myself.
I am Being myself.
Whatever decisions I make, I am making because I want to. I choose to.

Not because:
I fear your judgement.
I fear your criticism.
I fear your cutting words, callous remarks, manipulative insinuations.

I have enough scars, shadows & demons from within me that remind me of you on a daily basis already.

I don’t need refills.
I don’t need any more Tears.

I am building a new tank of rainbow colors within me now that will hold nothing but Love, Laughter, Joy & Freedom. And I’m sharing it with those who will See me for Who I Am & celebrate it with me.

I am Me. I can finally See that. And I celebrate that.

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This is Part 3 of a 5-part series entitled Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply. If you haven’t read Parts 1 & 2 yet, I suggest you hop over & do so right now!

Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 1 of 5
Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 2 of 5

Disclaimer: Though released as a series, it really is just one mega-long post cut up into chunks for ease of reading & digesting. That means that each of the individual parts on their own probably wouldn’t make complete sense without the context of the rest. Please bear that in mind when commenting. Thanks!

On Choice…

That means that if a person you are associating with is not supportive & is even demeaning of your dreams & Purpose, then yes, you probably should end that relationship.
If a person is draining the energy that you could otherwise channel into your Purpose by being negative & self-centered during conversations, then yes, you probably should end that relationship.

That is not treating a relationship as ‘disposable’. That is doing what’s necessary to live up to your highest Purpose & in so doing, serve the whole world & Universe at large.

However, there are other times when the situation may not be as clearcut. Perhaps a friend isn’t always unsupportive, or negative. Perhaps it’s like the lottery; it depends on his or her mood. Sometimes people just behave ambiguously. It’s hard to say where they are at.

In situations like this, my rule of the thumb is I ask myself a couple of questions:

  1. Overall, up front & blunt, do I enjoy being around this person? Yes or No.
    Answer this question fast. Don’t think about it too much. You are using your gut instinct, your intuition to divine the truth that your regular, logical, society-programmed brain may not want to confront.
  2. Regardless of yes or no, at my current level of associating with this person, am I being drained energetically? Be it short-term over the course of a single meet up or long-term over the course of several weeks or months of association.
  3. Between two hypothetical scenarios one month into the future. In the first, I have continued my association with this person. In the second, I have discontinued my association with this person. Which do I know is the better scenario to be in? Once again, answer this question fast to make sure your are using your intuitive instinct to bypass fear-based programming.
  4. If I wish to continue association, am I able to create a workable management of the relationship where I can reduce the amount of exposure to energy draining episodes & instead focus on devoting more energy to mutually uplifting & beneficial interactions?

Choice. It is not a whim. Yet it is not a heartless mechanism either.

Looking back over my life, I observe that in exercising my personal Power of Choice, I have always preferred to give the relationship multiple chances to work out by staying before finally deciding, usually reluctantly & resentfully, to leave. I had bought into the myth of Friendship Forever but I was angry at the price I paid as well.

Many times, I should have just left but I didn’t. I got hurt as a result but I learned. I learned well. Now I’m faster to see the signs, faster to choose, faster to respond. But there is always something new, unknown, Gray.

There is no right or wrong answer. The only option is to understand the Purpose of Gray, which is to encourage you to keep asking. Keep questioning. Keep exercising the Power of Choice. Keep learning.

After all, relationships are something that I doubt any of us will ever fully master. Every person you will ever meet will always change the variables. Conditions change. You change. There is no one Golden Rule.

In fact, I doubt relationships were ever meant to mastered. Where would be the fun in that? The challenge? We are human. We live for growth, for challenge, for constant evolution.

This is Part 3 of a 5-part series entitled Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply.The rest of the series can be found here.

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This is Part 2 of a 5-part series entitled Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply. If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, I suggest you hop over & do so right now!

Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply: Part 1 of 5

Disclaimer: Though released as a series, it really is just one mega-long post cut up into chunks for ease of reading & digesting. That means that each of the individual parts on their own probably wouldn’t make complete sense without the context of the rest. Please bear that in mind when commenting. Thanks!

On each person’s boundary limits…

Every person’s boundary limits differ, just like personality traits.

Bluntly put:

Some people can take more, others less.
Some people are more sensitive, others less.
Some people care more, others less.

There is no right or wrong, no better or worse. We are all different. It is just the way it should be.

So, what may push one person’s boundaries may not necessarily come anywhere close to pushing another person’s boundaries.

On how the word ‘relationship’ is defined…

How do you define a ‘relationship’?
What is a ‘relationship’ to you?

I define a relationship as a temporary physical association between two or more persons where one or both persons grow as a result of that association. Most times something new & greater than the sum of parts is created as well.

All associations are temporary; they either terminate before or at death.
Physical; I can’t say for certain what happens after we leave our physical bodies. Or even what happened before we entered them.

Sometimes, that association can span years, even until death.
Sometimes, that association lasts mere years, months, weeks, days, hours, even minutes.

The resulting growth & creation is not necessarily diminished just because of a shortened time span. In fact, some of my most powerful spiritual growth spurts were as a result of very short associations.

Unfortunately, I have observed that many people give greater status & importance to long associations. As if the quality of a relationship can be or, even worse, is only measured in terms of its durability. The Myth of Friendship Forever.

Ultimately, all relationships are functional. A relationship is a functional construct between two or more individuals to facilitate change & growth. Once the function is served, there is no further practical need for the construct. Relationship ends.

I don’t mean to make relationships out to sound almost mechanical. Relationships can be an extremely pleasurable part of human existence. In fact, I daresay that relationships in their highest states are meant to be purely pleasurable & beneficial for all parties involved.

However, that can only be the case if we enter relationships in Awareness, free from false constructs & illusions of fear & control. If we enter relationships Understanding what true Responsibility is & what Choices we have.

Suffering in relationships only occur when we react in unawareness, misunderstand the role of Responsibility & either give away our Power of Choice or attempt to enforce Power over another’s Choice.

On what each person is ultimately seeking in life…

On the surface, this may sound as if I’m advocating the self-centered model of ‘me first & only, all else be damned’, but this is not true.

What is true is that we all have somewhere we want to go towards in life.
We all have some idea of the person we would like to be.
We all have some clue as to what we want to be.

It is an undeniable fact that the associations you choose will affect the final outcome of who, what & where you will be. After all, I doubt an aspiring ballerina is going to get anywhere near her dreams of dancing if the only people she hung out with were mathematicians, or farmers, or even artists.

You need to find your Tribe.
You need to associate with your Tribe.
For only your Tribe truly understands your motivations, your goals, your dreams, your direction & maybe, even possibly your Purpose.

I’m not saying that you should focus on only your Tribe to the exclusion of all other people. Diversity is an important part of life & our personal development.

What I’m saying is you need to keep your eye on your Purpose at all times with regards to decision making in relationships.

The truth is a person who is divorced from his or her Purpose is a sad soul indeed & such a person is much less likely to be able to contribute very constructively to any of his or her relationships. Unhappiness can suck all the life force & energy out of you that way.

You owe it to yourself, to the people associating with you & to the world at large to keep your eyes on the prize & to do what it takes to get there.

This is Part 2 of a 5-part series entitled Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply.The rest of the series can be found here.

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Ah Kelly Diels. I love her blog. I love her. As a blogger & a writer, of course.

Her posts do more than inform. They question. They probe. They open eyes. They force you to think. They force you to Feel. They force you to go in, to look into Yourself.

Her posts Awaken. That’s what I love about her, her writing & her blog.

I just read her latest, the difference between ‘healthy boundaries’ and disposable friendships & it was so rich & ripe with Seeker’s Angst, pure & unadulterated Feeling (then again, I’ve come to expect nothing less from the Queen of Raw(r)) & completely unabashed unleashing of the Quest(ion)ing Mind. I could sit here & pick it apart line by line all day just for the sheer enjoyment & appreciation of all the layers, textures & flavors.

I had so much to say in response to & inspired by her post, that I had to split it all up into my first series of posts. No, a 2,500 word comment wouldn’t be pretty.

Disclaimer: Though released as a series, it really is just one mega-long post cut up into chunks for ease of reading & digesting. That means that each of the individual parts on their own probably wouldn’t make complete sense without the context of the rest. Please bear that in mind when commenting. Thanks!

…prologue

the difference between ‘healthy boundaries’ and disposable friendships is a heartfelt Big Question in a post. In it, Kelly asks a couple of really piercing questions.

But where is the line that tells us when we’re establishing boundaries or disposals?

When am I wisely dumping a friend or a lover because they’re bad for me and when am I casually disposing of a relationship because it doesn’t match the wallpaper?

Are the people in my life here to meet my needs, which means they can be disposed of when they don’t?

This 5-part series of posts is my personal reply to those questions & the issues raised by those questions, based on my personal experiences, inspired by Kelly’s unrestrained openness & giving of herself to the blogosphere & the world at large.

Gray…

When to stay?
When to go?

The absolute simplistic answer would be: It depends.
We can do better than that.

It depends on…

It depends on…

My personal belief is that there is no Answer. No one answer, that is.

Faced with difficult, unclear, emotionally fraught situations, it is natural to want straight & clear cut answers.

What is the right thing to do?
What is the wrong thing not to do?

And most importantly…

What will make the Suffering go away?

Sometimes, the answer is simple & clear cut.
Sometimes, there is no Answer.
Sometimes, there never was meant to be an Answer. No one answer, that is.

We all want that quick & easy, hard & fast Rule that we somehow learn, either through painful trial & error or through the merciful deliverance of some great benefactor, after which life is easy in that area because all we need do is keep applying that same Golden Rule. That is the Answer we want.

Sometimes, however, the slate was meant to stay Gray.

Why?

It is my personal belief that the Universe, our Super-Consciousness, encourages us to go through life Awake, not asleep.

Gray was never meant to torment us with confusion or distress, or to make us feel lost.

Such Suffering only arises
When we do not Understand,
When we do not See the Higher Purpose in all things & events,
When we do not See the Love that has provided us with such a grand opportunity.

Gray spurs us to Wakefulness by encouraging us to See & Ask the questions that need to be asked.

Do I want to stay?
Do I need to stay?
Why should I stay?
Why should I go?
What is happening here?
What do I want to receive?
What do I want to give?
Why is this happening?
Is it me?
Is it not me?

Who?
What?
When?
Where?
Why?
How?

Gray keeps you Asking.
Asking keeps you Awake.

Life was meant to be lived Awake, not asleep.
Relationships are meant to be experienced Awake, not asleep.

This is Part 1 of a 5-part series entitled Boundaries, disposable relationships, a reply.The rest of the series can be found here.

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A blog without a topic is a waste of time.

Unless the very act of blogging is a conscious act of Journeying towards Self.
Unless the very blog is the Canvas & Road towards Self.

Everywhere I read, niche is king.
Without a niche topic, one can’t hope to be successful in the blogosphere.

However.

There are things more important than success to me right now.
There are things that must come before success.

Like Heart.
Like Soul.

There are bloggers who can write successfully on a topic they hold no interest in. Their determination to achieve the perceived benefits provide them with the Heart & Soul required to sustain the work required for success.

I wish that were so for me but it is not my Path.

I set up my first blog nearly a decade ago. It was personal, rambling & short-lived.
I continued to set up a multitude of blogs. Different platforms. Different topics. Each was like the mayfly, here a moment, gone the next.

I was clueless as to why it was so difficult for me to sustain a blog. Was I too perfectionist? Was I lazy? The answer to each was always a resounding no. What then?

I started reading up on how to be a successful blogger. Found out that my early blogs had no focus. No topic. So I started blogs on a variety of topics that I thought were interesting to me. All met the same dismal end at the click of a button.

I despaired. I sought my niche like it was my One Knight in Shining Armour. I started wondering if I had no niche, no topic, no speciality to speak of. Nothing to offer the world. Friends & strangers alike all strenuously objected that supposition. The faint glimmer of Hope spurred me onward.

The years dragged on. In between the rise & fall of blogs, I wallowed, & unknowingly fallowed, in the barren wastelands of un-inspiration & directionless-ness. I saw myself as a Mega-Failure. People struggling to hold a job down? I couldn’t even keep a blog up.

What I didn’t realize then, was that this seeming ocean of unending disappointment was, in reality, a testing ground, a training ground.
It was my personal Magic Mirror Gate & Fifth Ark, all in one. Ten years worth.

Heart & Soul are not necessarily a given.
Not when They have been eroded over years of abuse & disuse.
For some of us, for me, Heart & Soul must be sought.

Through the discovery of Self.
Through the understanding of Self.
Through the acceptance of Self.

These ten years taught me much.
Niche & Self are not so different.
Niche & Self are One.

It took ten years of trying to answer a question as simplistic as “What is my blog’s topic?” to discover that all this while, I was searching for Me.
What I Am. Who I Am.

And the search goes on.
Or rather, the clarification goes on.

I have no niche topic for my blog. Yet.
I do not know what my niche topic is. Yet.

But I do know I am closer now than ever before.

Before, the question was, “What is my niche?” Vision quest. Seeking of Self.
Now, the question is, “Dare I Be my Niche?” Coming of age. Declaration of Self.

Dare I Be Who I Am?

Blog as vision quest & initiation into Self.
Blog as discovery & unfolding of Self.
Blog as understanding & acceptance of Self.
Blog as journey towards true authenticity & genuineness from within.

A blog without a topic is not necessarily a waste of time, nor a death sentence.
A blog without a topic does not necessarily mean you will not be successful.

It totally depends on how you define success.

I say, success may be attainable without Self but it will not be sustainable.

Use all the tools you can find to create a blog with all the foundations set for success but without Self, Heart & Soul, it will crumble & fail from the inside. Like a rotten apple.

However, blog as a conscious tool for journeying & discovery of Self will always lead you to where you want to go.
To your true Niche.
To real Success.

To me, it is more important to seek Self through blogging for now than it is to seek success as it is so often defined in the blogosphere.
For I know without Self, success is merely a meaningless, soulless, heartless word.

So.

I don’t have a topic. Yet.
But I’m not going to let that condemn me.
I’m not going to let that derail me. Discourage me. Demoralize me.

I’m not going to stop blogging just because I don’t have a topic. Yet.
I blog because I know every post takes me that one step closer to
Who I Am & my Niche in Shining Armour.

I Seek & I shall See. Soon. Very soon.

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